Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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