Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
