i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize