i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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