My brain says no but my pants say off.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
