He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
