So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
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I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Found the puke drawer
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And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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