The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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