So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
