she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
