even my farts smell like vagina
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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