i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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