so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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