If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
