if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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