Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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