Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
