Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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