Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
