I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
