omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
