I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
