the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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