I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
