Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
