I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
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Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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