Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
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You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
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I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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