Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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