I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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