So drunk its hurt
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
