I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
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Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
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Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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