Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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