Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Randomize
