We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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