There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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