Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
