I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
