After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
