My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
