i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
