She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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