There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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