So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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