those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
