He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
