I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
