The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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