Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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