Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
our cab driver is having phone sex.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
