We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
