It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i dont even know how to be here
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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