Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize