god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
He called his prostate his "boner button".
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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