My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
