I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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