He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.