I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
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I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
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I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm like, not good at living.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
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