Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
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In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
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I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.