i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga