...so i touched it.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
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I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
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Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.