He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
