Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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