I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
