I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Houston, we have a blender
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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