I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I want a musical about memes.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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