If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Quick, to the slutcave!
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Randomize
