He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
