Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
