When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
