Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
