my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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