'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
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