i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
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